Monday, December 6, 2010
One of the things I really like about myself is my attitude of being "professional". With things that have gone up and down scales lately, I have bested the art of "pretending" not to care when at a professional field. It's a really positive thing for me because even though judgmental people may find it being plastic, it's not really the deal. Thing is, like what my friends say, "at least you don't show them you're seriously affected."
But, no. I'm affected. Really, I am. I don't show it because I can control my emotions better this time. Still, the trembling hands and the cold shivers running down to the tips of my fingers are never absent when I engage to fury. It was just yesterday that I've experienced yet another one of those emotional rages. I broke loose, I cursed, I acted before anything else, and I succumbed to my "evil" side for the second time this year. With all the cheapness and guilty-looking act that I've shown, I broke down and realized that I've failed my mother yet again.
It was a heavy thing for me. I was so guilty that I felt the actual need to go to confession. Confessing is one of the most relaxing opportunities I have in life. For one, you tell your deepest, maybe even darkest sins not to merely another person in priest robes, but to God and His Spirit on the other side of the confessional. Knowing that maybe someday I may be able to repeat my sins, I did not fear so. God does not count sins. He counts good things. I was proud. For the first time of all the wrong things I have done somehow, I was really proud of myself. The priest called me humble for reaching out to God when there was no one else I could entrust my secrets to. Though it had been such a long time that I've stopped praying, I've learned and I've felt that God's presence had always, always been there. I believed that maybe it's the time I rewinded and start searching for Him like I've always done when I was once a kid. So thank you Jesus, for being there, for giving me a chance still to change.
Through all the tears I've shed, I was still the usual me, the person I've always wondered why she smiles all throughout. It's not that I did not care what people think about me. It's that I didn't care anymore how, with great effort, those things try to put me down. I don't make people understand who I am, what I say, why I act this and that way. People won't easily believe or understand at all. There's no real point to advertising my reasons. They would all become either trash later or useful evidence against yourself. That may be however people see you through.
I'm just a normal teen. I have enemies and friends and I must admit that both parties aren't so scant or plenty. Some stuffs can make me cry and push me to depression, some can also make me laugh and lift me to elation. These things just don't need to be told and understood entirely. In this world, nothing is permanent, not even words, not even heartfelt gratitude or apologies, faith or opportunities. There is just change. Change can and will surely bring everything to new wholesome states. And when you get to see these - maybe, maybe not - like me, you'll start to smile back and change along.
Yes, I can still smile despite all that.
Labels: My Sentiments and Says